I am back.....

Luci Lu, our new Jack Russell puppy. Took her swimming today for the first time, in this shot she is trying to eat the water. Funny dog. Everybody loves her including the 2 male pits that were there today. I love her to pieces.

When I was little I can remember having so much fun at the park and I also remember my family having fun too, but that has changed. I heard my aunt say this afternoon "this is just not fun to me anymore". It made me sad because I was feeling the exact same feeling. I usually smoke cigarettes, drink beer, things I don't let myself do on a daily basis and that's what makes it fun for me. My aunts and my mother bring all the food to eat, drinks to drink (except for the alcoholic beverages), tablecloths, all the things needed to make a great picnic. The men these women are married to never show up and never have. They are all sorry men. The kids, who are now grown and this includes me, bring nothing but themselves and whatever drug or drink they prefer. I feel a saddening loss that will never return, the excitement of being a kid, not thinking about politics or smoking or drinking or how your cousin just said mean and insulting words to his step-son, it was just pure splashing fun in the water with your cousins swinging on ropes into the water and loving your family, not judging or questioning who you came from or why you were with the people you were with, you just were. Just totally and blissfully in the moment. I miss that.

I have many male cousins and a brother that hates being with us and some of them are all living high dramatic lives. I want to throw in that I have some good cousins and they know who they are. Sometimes some are either in jail, or doing too many drugs or with spouses that create all kinds of havoc. So, because of this we all leave a bit earlier these days. We used to stay past dark building a campfire or even spending the night beside the lake. I remember falling asleep to the sounds of bullfrogs and the comforting sounds of the adults talking and laughing about whatever is was they talked about then. It felt safe and good to be alive.

Now when I leave, I feel like I am not finished, like I need to go out and tie one on... ya know, finish it off right. Instead I just come on home, throw that pack of cigarettes away with a dissatisfied, antsy feeling that has to settle back into calm as I ease back into my wonderful life with my sweet husband, Luci Lu, Miss Kitty, Brady's Coffee Shop, my Pilates studio and all the friends and clients that come with it and I will forget all the craziness of the family stuff until the next holiday when we all get together again. Until then, I will be sugar, caffeine, nicotine, alcohol and drug free.