Laughing at Marriage

The man changes socks 4 times a day.

Laughter has kept me in love and still keeps me.

He is the best person I know.

But he is resistant to making the cat's meatballs.

just for pretty's sake

past lives

it's taken me a long time to put myself out here on a page for everyone to read. the past is still a real part of me that i feel i must share. so, please forgive me if I go back and forth as I sort through this life. i fell like i am moving backwards. but, please sit and have a glass of cucumber juice while i am still into that.

friday night out

i still love the thought of a good friday. going out or sitting outside on the porch where the hope and possibility of something exciting is waiting to happen in the late evening - maybe a new love, maybe just a one night stand, some dancing, some sparring, getting high, drinking a bottle or TWO and hopefully getting some kind of attention my soul is calling for. it's an addictive night. i have had friday night lust for as long as i can remember. but that's just it....lust...nothing good ever comes out of a friday night, nothing that will stay anyway. the night will linger into saturday which is the best part, going over and over it remembering every little detail. it will soon fade away into the monotony of a monday and then it's the I can't wait til friday feeling all over again.

i have stepped into a new day with wilder shoes and my fridays are gone just like his whiskey days. it seems they've turned into tuesdays. it's lunch at taco waco with free beans, it's full of laughs about the life we share and the little things we know about each other that are comforting, it's about staying and being sober, it's about being with a man who never pushed me to be me. it's a new calm dependable day, a day i can trust and ease into without any expectations or hesitations. i married a man who loves that i smear homemade butter all over my body and that I am goofy as hell or that I do get it wrong sometimes. and for that I am forever grateful. thank you Robert, i love you.

Magic & Cicadas

On the brick streets of Tyler in a great neighborhood, I had been living in a big house with a lot of great people spending my time smoking pot, drinking wine, listening to live music and having some kind of relationship with a friend who I believed in with all my heart was and is something great, but for some reason, I couldn't express myself with him, there was an inner nervousness that I hated, but couldn't do anything about ... except leave. I am good at leaving people, in fact, I should receive some kind of reward for it, but before I left, I remember telling him that the day I was to open my Pilates studio would be the day I would open myself up to a different avenue of expression and I couldn't help but do just that. Just like that Cicada coming out of its shell. I was coming out of mine too.

I didn't think much about it but I would see him around, here and there, at Brady's Coffee Shop and even while I sat on the front porch of that big 'ol house smoking a cigarette I would see him sitting in his Landcruiser at the light. As I think back on it all I am pretty sure that he caught my eye because of the steadiness and the calm I could sense in him. I wanted that steady calmness for myself, and I knew it.

The morning the Pilates Studio of Tyler opened, I was at the coffee shop, which happens to be right in front of the studio and I was standing around talking to some people about the opening and there he was, in the crowd listening to me talk, and then showed up at the studio a little later where my friend Grace told him he looked like Billy Bob Thorton he just said "I am Billy Bob" and handed me his card. He returned later and asked if I would come to his studio that afternoon and pop balloons while he took photos, I said sure and he asked if I would wear what I had worn earlier that morning. I had been hanging out at the studio on and off that day and probably changed clothes 4 times.

He had me when he called that rattlesnake "cute" and he meant it. He was just telling me a story about his time alone spent in the desert while I was popping balloons and he was taking photos. It was an easy conversation we were having and then I left to go teach my one and only class of the opening day. He came back after I taught and showed me the photos and asked if I happened to be a single woman and I didn't even hesitate, I said "as a matter of fact I am". "Want to go to dinner?" he asked and I replied" Of course, let's do Don Juan's" since I was only eating cabbage and beans back then. Two weeks later I moved in with him, that was March of 2004.

On hot July evenings with mosquitoes buzzing around, Robert, fly swatter in hand will disappear into the night smacking water bugs on the trees, the house, and the ground saving the Cicadas.

Photo by Robert Langham III

I am back.....

Luci Lu, our new Jack Russell puppy. Took her swimming today for the first time, in this shot she is trying to eat the water. Funny dog. Everybody loves her including the 2 male pits that were there today. I love her to pieces.

When I was little I can remember having so much fun at the park and I also remember my family having fun too, but that has changed. I heard my aunt say this afternoon "this is just not fun to me anymore". It made me sad because I was feeling the exact same feeling. I usually smoke cigarettes, drink beer, things I don't let myself do on a daily basis and that's what makes it fun for me. My aunts and my mother bring all the food to eat, drinks to drink (except for the alcoholic beverages), tablecloths, all the things needed to make a great picnic. The men these women are married to never show up and never have. They are all sorry men. The kids, who are now grown and this includes me, bring nothing but themselves and whatever drug or drink they prefer. I feel a saddening loss that will never return, the excitement of being a kid, not thinking about politics or smoking or drinking or how your cousin just said mean and insulting words to his step-son, it was just pure splashing fun in the water with your cousins swinging on ropes into the water and loving your family, not judging or questioning who you came from or why you were with the people you were with, you just were. Just totally and blissfully in the moment. I miss that.

I have many male cousins and a brother that hates being with us and some of them are all living high dramatic lives. I want to throw in that I have some good cousins and they know who they are. Sometimes some are either in jail, or doing too many drugs or with spouses that create all kinds of havoc. So, because of this we all leave a bit earlier these days. We used to stay past dark building a campfire or even spending the night beside the lake. I remember falling asleep to the sounds of bullfrogs and the comforting sounds of the adults talking and laughing about whatever is was they talked about then. It felt safe and good to be alive.

Now when I leave, I feel like I am not finished, like I need to go out and tie one on... ya know, finish it off right. Instead I just come on home, throw that pack of cigarettes away with a dissatisfied, antsy feeling that has to settle back into calm as I ease back into my wonderful life with my sweet husband, Luci Lu, Miss Kitty, Brady's Coffee Shop, my Pilates studio and all the friends and clients that come with it and I will forget all the craziness of the family stuff until the next holiday when we all get together again. Until then, I will be sugar, caffeine, nicotine, alcohol and drug free.

Spray painted christmas tree

November gold

Vintage yuck

Here is the before pic and I will get the after in about 2 weeks. I love this couch and it looks dirtier in the picture than it actually is. It is truly the most comfortable couch in the world to me. My husband's (Honey) parents bought it probably in the 70's and they always rave about how expensive it was. On nights I have consumed too much alcohol or I am sick, this couch helps me sleep because for some reason I can not sleep in my bed. In fact when the couch left last friday, my honey said to me "you can't get drunk because you won't have any place to sleep". Wait.... First of all, I don't drink all the time just at parties but I can't tell you how true that was because I got a little tipsy last night at a party and alcohol always makes for a sleepless night so I usually get up, get on the computer and browse the web for a little while then I'll finally lay back down on my couch and go back to sleep but not last night, I tried going back to bed and never fell back into sleep. It sucked, I was so tired all day.

I have been fretting for years what to do with this couch. I thought about getting a couch cover or maybe having it recovered, I tossed those 2 ideas for quite sometime. Um...and trying to find a couch cover in this town that would fit and that wasn't made of that nasty velour crap is like trying to find a chicken in a pond full of ducks. So finally after getting married I got an image of what I wanted it to look like and it's going to be beautiful and I pray just as comfy.

My designer is totally diggin this vintage fabric. I told her I could see where she was coming from because she needs to be thinking about all that weird taste those crazy people that hire her have. I am so over vintage.

Finally the time arrived last Friday for the couch to be delivered to the designer. I called Honey and said I would take the cushions and he was, of course responsible for getting the rest of the couch there (the heavy part). I started picking at him about how was he going to get that couch down the spiral staircase. I made fun with him about some guys he could ask from our local coffee shop and then forgot all about it. About 30 minutes later I went to pay the woman and proceeded to tell her I had no idea when the rest of the couch would show up and while in mid-sentence, what??? the couch, in all it's bigness, already here? My mind could not grasp the fact that it was sitting there. I threw the check in the air and ran out the door to find out how this was possible and there he stood with a gloating grin that said "that's right, I did it all by myself". He sincerely acted like I shouldn't be surprised either. I did not believe him so I called Debi who lives on the first floor of our home and she saw him carrying it all by himself. And she doesn't lie. DANG! I love that man. He loves to shock me like that every now and then and it so fun!

I just love sexy shoes.

Blissfully becoming

Being and becoming a wife begins with a crock pot, that's right. LOL!

When people make the remark "marriage changes everything", it sounds so dreadful that it seems to reinforce the idea that you are getting divorced before you even consider getting a someone to say I do to. My experience; I know.... I have been married only a month, but still, I believe being married has made me a better person. I think differently now, but in a good way.

For instance, I want to take better care of us. I have a deeper desire to cook, to nurture. I would've never dreamed of owning one of these domesticated items (not necessarily true, I know) but now I love it and I am eager to cook all my meals in that giant hunk of ceramic and stainless steel! Forget that damn oven!

Getting groceries has taken on a whole new meaning for us too, for the last 5 years, just living together, groceries consisted of dried apricots, hot sauce and chips, and olives for the martinis. Now I stop by the meat counter and buy big hunks of meat learning by trial and error the difference between a good roast and a bad fatty roast. I am buying whole chickens (organic, of course) also great for crock pot cooking. I have been making things like mashed potatoes, and green beans. I am turning into my mother- oh god, that is so scary.

Another thing that I like about being a wife is I feel more confident at parties and outings. Girlfriend, in my opinion, says I am still a girl and a friend which is a great start to build and grow on but if the relationship is to last it should, and it did, for me, mature into marriage. I must say it is creating a whole new level of growth and I like it a lot! Life is such an experience of emotions and feelings that will forever shift and change...the beauty of living and growing older and having a loved one to share and grow with makes it all so much more worth the while.

I am more in love with life than I have ever been....I thank god for the man who was just texting me NO drunkblogging Katie!!! Ha!

Next, I'll be thinking kids, NOT!!! :0)

A Bigger Beginning

I know you all have been anxiously awaiting for some descriptions of the grand event.

We got side-tracked while winding our way up the coast to our appt in Blue Hill, Maine to get our marriage license; Robert forgot his divorce decree. Oh shit!!! What the hell do we do? Well, we tried numerous tactics like, for instance, sending our friend in Texas over to Robert's office to try and find it amongst his files and when that didn't work we called another friend who can usually find out why, who and when someone got divorced on the internet but that fell through too, so we just lied! And that my friends worked like a charm. :0)

Our friends in Maine planned a very romantic little trip by sailboat across the bay to a grand estate, where we said the I dos on a hilltop overlooking the ocean. They set up a nice little buffet of flowers, champagne, seafood and an old gramophone playing Russian songs from the 40's. We waltzed right into married life so sweetly.

Two days later after being wined and dined by our host we had to say our I dos again, only this time officially by the D.A. of Ellsworth. I got all dolled up again in my fabulous dress and walked onto the gazebo where we were to meet our guy and noticed we were surrounded by a group of very special people who happened to be out on a field trip. Some had Down's Syndrome and some where just mentally challenged but they were so excited to be a part of our ceremony.

All in all it was a fabulous trip and both weddings were wonderful in their own unique way.

Call of the mermaid

OMG, look at those nipples.....wow. I just love her.

Robert put her in his relationship corner a few years before we got together. Of course, he had no idea that he was putting her in the "relationship corner". He's definitely not the kind of guy who is into Feng Shui but I know about these kind of things and I knew she was me when I first saw her.

I know you are laughing, Debi!! :0)

Wonderful women

Life can get away from you and get all backed up if you don't just go ahead and blog about it, I am getting behind real fast.

Friday held a new beginning, the first party held in my honor since I was 12. I was pretty nervous but I showed up anyway. :) I usually meet with my friends one at a time and on this lovely Friday evening I had my closest friends all together. Wonderful women, who, like me are growing and are in the midst of their own beginnings. Some are newly divorced, starting new jobs, starting new blogs, gaining new insights into the new them, learning to trust themselves more and becoming more honest about who they are and who they are becoming.

The evening was captured by soft spanish music, homemade sangria , little cups filled with red and pink carnations, candle light and a comfortable feeling of feeling at home. As we settled in to the night and into each other we shared lots of laughter, some honest and serious discussions about life, politics, kids, men and real estate. It was a good first.

I went home that evening wrapped in underwear, literally, and worry. Worried that I might have said the wrong things, worried that I wasn't witty enough. Worry, worry, worry. Seriously, I had nightmares all night. I swear it's funny but it's freakin insane too. I texted everyone and thanked them for coming and the gifts and so on. Then, this morning I get a text from one of the women who is such a joy to be with and she mentioned how welcoming my friends were and that she hoped I felt blessed. Well, yes I know that I am blessed but truthfully I wasn't feeling blessed. I was feeling worried. Needless to say that stopped me dead in my feeling of worry and I cried. I am truly blessed for these wonderful women I have in my life and I am truly blessed in all areas of my life.

Thank you God and thanks to all of you wonderful women who know who you are.

awwww.....

Meet the cat...

My Sweet Honey

The groom that's very happy.....and has every right to be, he has been shooting rifles everyday for the past 2 weeks and winning; what's not to be happy about?

I am so glad he is having the time of his life right now but I miss him a lot. I laugh often but I laugh so much more when he's home.

The cat has been walking around the house meowing for the loss of his presence....he picks her up, scrubs, and combs her at least 7 times a day...that's something to miss for a cat.

Photo courtesy of Breda Fallacy

With this ring, I thee wed....

I am in love with it. When I held it in my hand, I knew it was for him. It felt like him, the perfect heavy of Robert is in this ring.

Photo courtesy Debi Jones

Beginnings and endings

So, the beginning of a marriage begins with a date then a dress, right? So off we go to the first stop, David's Bridal and I see the "one" on a poster being modeled on the wall but I can't see, I am totally overwhelmed by the monster dresses; I am talking like REAL wedding dresses....I am thinking: ok, let's go, this scares the holy hell outta me. But....I got brave and just picked one, gotta start somewhere, right? It hung like a heavy bell, no movement, no flow...no fun! The 2nd one was a maybe; it had potential but it was only good enough to put on hold. Then... psst, psst it whispered to Debi as we were leaving, and it was the "one" fitting quite snug on a mannequin. The saleslady didn't think it was gonna be a fit because I had been trying on bigger sizes....but when I walked out with that dress on, Debi and the saleslady were beside themselves....it was perfect. What a way to begin and end the weekend, huh? Knowing I have the perfect dress!

oops, sorry, forgot.....the wonderful day falls on September 18th and can't see the dress until then......wouldn't want my wonderful husband- to-be to see!!